The Blogosphere

This story is purely a work of fiction. Any resemblance to scenarios or people living or dead is purely coincidental. Please read the disclaimer on the blog if you have any issues.

I would like to thank 2 people who help me with this story as my editor was swamped with work to help edit this one. KO thanks a lot for all the editing help. Prosaic thanks for the creative inputs and suggestions.

Chapter 1 

Jane sits at her computer and stretches; she runs her hand through her black hair, turns and looks at the mirror when....

*PIng!!* 

She turns to her monitor and smiles. It's the blogger she has been following on blogosphere for a while now. She thinks to herself - shall I reply or will it look like I'm too interested? She waits for a while and decides to call her friend Wilma.

'Wilma it's me. Bloggerman just pinged me. Do I reply?'

'Of course, you fool. Go ahead. What's the worst that can happen? You'll find out he's not as good as his blogs.'

'I don't know Wilma. Is it a good idea?'

'Why don't you call Barney and ask him?'

'Yeah, I think I'll do just that. Bye Wilma'

Jane looks at the monitor again as she picks up the phone to punch in the numbers.

'Jane darling. To what do I owe this lovely early morning call?'

'Barney it's 12 in the afternoon!'

'Oh my, it's 12? Well then, good afternoon to you.'

'Barney cut the crap. Bloggerman pinged me. Do I reply or not?'

'Jane go for it. What's the worst that can happen? He'd be a sweaty stinky twin of Jabba the Hutt.'

'Barney trust you to come up with such a flowery description of my dream man. Humph!'

'Bah humbug! You haven't even spoken to him and you're already calling him the man of your dreams? Guess you got a few screws loose.'

'Ok fine, I'll ping him. Now get lost.'

Jane puts the phone down, gazes at her system and types out the charismatic word, "HI". Taking in a deep breath, she closes her eyes and hits the "enter" key. 

Chapter 2

(A couple of months later.)

'Where oh where can my baby be,' sighs Jane, as she sits staring at her computer.

Just then Betty, one of the three siskateers( the name that Jane, Wilma and Betty came up with for their sisterhood) comes over to visit Jane. She sees Jane sitting at the computer and immediately calls Wilma.

Wilma rushes over, breaking every speed limit and running through every stop sign in the process.Wilma storms into Jane's room and slaps her.

'Woman snap out of it,' she barks.

Jane shakes her head.  'What the hell was that for?'

Betty looks at Wilma, 'Yeh what the hell was that for?'

Wilma smiles and replies 'I wanted to be a drama queen for a bit. Pretty good eh?'

Jane rubs her face. 'Bitch the face hurts.'

'Oh, you want Mr Bloggerman to kiss it and make it feel better,eh?' Wilma tells Jane sarcastically.

'Yeah that actually sounds good. I think I shall message and ask him. What say Betty?'

'Are you fucking mad?' chime Betty and Wilma.

Jane backs away from her laptop and looks at both of them in bewilderment.

Just then Jane's cellphone  rings. She grins and picks it up. 'Barney good timing. Betty and Wilma are being bitches andare not letting me message Bloggerman.'

'Jane put me on speakerphone please.' Jane puts Barney on speaker.

'Girls why are you being mean to Jane?'

'Barney you idiot she wants to message him and ask him to kiss her cheek cos it hurts after I slapped her,' replies Wilma.

'Oh Jane that is not advisable. For Pete's sakes, you don't even know his name!'

'Au contraire Barney. I do.'

'What is it?' Barney, Wilma and Betty all ask at the same time.

'His name is Tarzan.' Jane bats her eyelids as she says this. 'Is it not dreamy?'

'Ehm, is it just me or does anybody else see the irony in the name? Tarzan and Jane. Which jungle did you find him in?'

'Oh Barney shut up.'

*Ping*

Jane turns and runs to her laptop. 'Woohoooooo. He just gave me his number.' 

'Bye Barney. I have things to do. Important things. Later,' she yells hanging up the phone on Barney.

She punches some numbers into her phone and before Wilma and Betty realize what's happening she  hits the call button. 

Chapter 3

'La di da la di diiiiii.'

'Somebody seems to be in a good mood,' booms Wilma.

'Oh Wilma, I think I'm in love,' replies Jane dreamily.

'Oh shit. Not bloggerman I hope?'

'Wilma, he's perfect. He talks well, has a sexy voice, is witty, smart. Soooo hot.'

'What the f? He's hot? How the hell do you know that?'asks a bewildered Wilma.

'We are in the age of IT, woman. We exchanged photos and neither one of us  is disappointed,' says Jane smiling dreamily.

'Oh damn it. You are mad,' says Wilma while she hits her head with the palm of her hand.

'No I ain't. He's got such amazing blue eyes. His physique is so hot. He's a cross between a Greek and a Spaniard. Can it get any better?'

'You're just romanticizing the whole thing,' states Wilma.

'Yes mommy,' replies Jane very sarcastically.

'Oh shut up, Jane!'

'He is like a young Al Pacino. Hmmm, more like Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan,' continues Jane.

'Or like Tarzan the jungle man,' adds a familiar voice.

'Barney?' both Wilma and Jane say it at the same time.

'Yes ladies, it's me in the flesh.'

'What the hell are you doing here?' asks Jane.

'Wilma you didn't tell her?'

Jane looks at Wilma and then at Barney. Just then Betty walks in.

'Jane; Wilma, Betty and I are here to do an intervention.'

'What the fuck?' Jane looks flabbergasted.

'Barney's right Jane. You're starting to lose it with this no-face internet guy,' says Betty.

'Oh, she's seen the face and according to her he's like Prince.'

'Barney shut the fuck up. Betty you should see his picture. He's so sexy. Just like the guys you see in the movies.'

(Mobile ring tone - Look into my eyes you will see...)

Jane immediately picks up her phone. 'Hiiiiiiiii.  I was just thinking about you.'

She talks on the phone for a short while before disconnecting with a smile on her face.

'I'm sure it was jungle boy on the phone, right?'

'Barney just shut up will you. Oh my. He's here in the city. He wants to meet me. I said yes.'

'Oh no. That's really creepy.'

'Thanks a lot Wilma for your unwavering support.' Jane retorts rather sarcastically.

'Okay Jane I'll be on your side. Go ahead and meet him. I think you deserve some love.'

'Wow Barney. What the hell is wrong with you?' scream Wilma and Betty.

'She deserves to be happy and if this makes her happy then so be it.'

'Thanks Barney.'

Jane gets up and walks out.

Chapter 4

Jane checks herself in her full length mirror.

"Ding," sounds the bell.

Jane looks at herself one last time and rushes to the door. She opens the door and smiles.

Standing there, wearing a black pin-stripe suit with a white shirt was Tarzan. She can hardly take her eyes off of him as she takes in the beige cravat and the bouquet of flowers in his hand.

'Wow. Jane you look stunning,' says Tarzan as he hands her the bouquet of flowers.

'You look absolutely drop dead gorgeous Tarzan.'

He smiles at her and leads her out to a shiny silver Rolls Royce. He opens the door and lets her in. He then gets in after her. 

They head out to the marina where Tarzan leads Jane onto the deck of a cruise that is docked there. Jane looks stunned.

'Tarzan, what is all this?'

'Well Jane I just wanted this to be a special date so I arranged for the best.'

'Tarzan...'

'Don't say anything. This is our first date.'Tarzan and Jane are escorted to their table and Tarzan wows Jane with his knowledge of food.

After a sumptuous meal they take a walk on the marina. Jane then invites Tarzan home for a coffee.

When they reach Jane's place. She opens the door and they walk in. She shuts the door pulls Tarzan to her and kisses him. Tarzan kisses her back. They fumble with each others clothes. Tarzan then lifts Jane up and she wraps her legs around him. She guides him to the bedroom. They enter the bedroom and Tarzan slams the door shut.

Chapter 5

Jane screams.

'What the hell are you doing?'

Suddenly she closes her eyes and falls asleep.

When she opens her eyes she sees a haze. She tries to move but cannot. She manages to move her head but it hurts. She notices her hands are tied to the bed post.

'Where the hell am I?'

She feels a draft hit her and realizes she's naked. Just then Tarzan moves into her line of vision.

'Tarzan is this a joke,or are you trying to be kinky.'

Tarzan slaps her across her face.'Shut up bitch'

Jane can't believe what she's just heard. Tarzan moves to a table in the room. When he turns 

around she see's a hunting knife in his hand.

'Tarzan what the hell is this? Is this a joke? Who's idea is this?'

'Shut up bitch. Don't talk.'

'What the hell is going on?'

'I'll tell you what. My only intention was to kill you. He let's out an evil laugh while saying this. He moves in closer and raises the knife above his head just as the door shatters.

'Stay where you are and drop the fucking knife asshole.'

'What the fuck is going on here?' exclaims a bewildered Tarzan.

'FBI. Drop the fucking knife before I blow your fucking head off.

'Tarzan drops the knife to the ground.

'Barney, what the hell took you so long? He could have killed me.'

'Yeah right. If you give me attitude I'll just let him do that.'

'What the fuck is going on?' Tarzan says once again.

'Maximus the game is up.'

'Who is that?' asks Tarzan.

Barney walks up to Tarzan, slaps on cuffs and reads him his rights.

Tarzan protests but Barney stops him and says, 'Maximus Wentworth, you are under arrest for the attempted rape and murder of Miss Jane Washington.'

'You have nothing against me,' screams Tarzan.

Jane now fully clothed walks back in. 'I beg to differ Maximus. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Special Agent Jane Washington of the FBI. Oh by the way asshole, we have you on camera saying you want to kill me.'

Tarzan looks at everybody and says, 'Oh fuck'.

- The End